Miscellaneous

Really Old Jokes

Really Old Jokes

A great collection of Really Old Jokes you could ever find on the internet. Feel free to share these Funny Old Age Jokes with your friends.

Very Old Jokes

  • ‘Lil Audrey was sitting on the porch with her younger brother when she said, “Look, there’s a quarter in the street!” Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And ‘Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.
  • One day, ‘Lil Audrey was playing with matches. Her mother told her she’d better stop before someone got hurt. But ‘Lil Audrey was awfully hard headed and kept playing with matches, and eventually she burned their house down.”Oh ‘Lil Audrey, you are sure gonna catch it when your father comes home!” said her mother.But ‘Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew her father had come home early to take a nap.
  • Little Audrey’s mother told her she shouldn’t climb trees wearing her dress, because the boys would see her panties. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew she never wore panties.
  • Little Audrey was captured by cannibals. The chief told her that they were going to put her in a big pot and cook her for dinner. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed because as she looked at all thier hungry faces, she knew there wouldn’t be enough of her to go around.
  • Little Audrey was the only passenger on a plane that was about to crash. The pilot said to the co-pilot,”There’s only two parachutes. Grab the other one and let’s get out of here.””What about Little Audrey?” asked the co-pilot.”Fuck Little Audrey!” said the pilot and Little Audrey laughed and laughed because she knew they didn’t have time.

These are fucking terrific! How long ago did you here these? I usually picture old people never laughing at anything.

  • “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?Answer: A key.”10th century
  • Q: What is something that didn’t happen, since the entire history of the world? A: A young bride didn’t fart on her groom’s lap.
  • An intellectual got a slave pregnant. At the birth, his father suggested that the child be killed. The intellectual replied: “First murder your own children and then tell me to kill mine.”
  • Changing With the Times

    When I was in secondary school, I wore Birkenstocks. Then again as I call them now, the ’90s adaptation of an immaculateness ring.

  • Lawnmower Upgrade

    At age 70, my grandfather purchased his first riding grass cutter.

    “This thing is incredible,” he gloated to my sibling. “It took me just 90 minutes to cut the garden. It used to take your grandma two days to do it all!”

  • Clicking Into Place

    “Everything’s beginning to click for me!” said my dad in-law at supper. “My knees, my elbows, my neck … ”

  • Special Karaoke

    At the restaurant, a sign read “Karaoke Tonight!” Grandma examined it before soliciting, “What kind from fish is that?”

  • Keeping Up Appearances

    An elderly customer at our grocery store utilized a check to purchase such things as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and chilly cream. On the update line, she’d composed, “Repairs.”

  • High Hopes

    I’ve generally been a failure. When I was five, I looked down at the pastels I was shading with and murmured—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.

  • Long Time, No See

    My 45-year-old sister was going to the wedding of a youth companion when she kept running into individuals she hadn’t found in years. To what extent precisely? One of them yelled, “Kathy, you got your props off!”

  • Empty Threat

    As of late I sat in an eatery watching two more seasoned men go at it. It rapidly became warmed as one of them proclaimed, “I’m so distraught, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!”

  • Contact Info

    I was feeling really creaky subsequent to listening to the TV correspondent say, “To get in touch with me, go to my Facebook page, tail me on Twitter, or attempt me the way it was done in the good ‘ol days email.”

  • The Good Old Days

    I have no respect for gangs today. They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first.

  • Blind Date

    “How was your blind date?” “Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce.” “What’s so terrible about that?” “He was the original owner.”

  • Looking Good

    Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, “Edith, you haven’t changed in 20 years.” “Oh,” said Mom, horrified. “I hope I didn’t look like this 20 years ago.”

  • A Great Weight-Loss Tip

    The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. “How’d you do it?” we asked. “Easy,” she said. “Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock.”

  • Old and Feeling Great

    A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced, “That was great! I don’t feel a day over 100!”

  • Facts of Life

    At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th. “I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

  • One Hundred Times Over

    A few years ago, I opened the invitation to my cousin’s 100th birthday party. On the front—in bold letters—it screamed, “If he’s heard it once, he’s heard it a hundred times. Happy Birthday, Sam!”

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