Funny Quotes

The Most Hilarious Funny Quotes and One Liners of All Time

funny short quotes one liners

The only thing I hate more than having a dirty house is cleaning.

The reason why I hate mornings so much is that they start while I’m still sleeping.

Every one of us has a friend, who says he’ll be in 5 minutes but comes in two hours.

Sochi Winter Olympics seems to be longer than the four years period from last Winter Olympics.

Everyone can find one person or three cats waiting for him.

Brains are beautiful; I wish everyone had one.

If someone is spitting behind you, it means you’re in front.

Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.

If you want to hide your face, go out naked.

The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!’

The device will work much better if you turn it on.

To the question ‘What are you doing here?’ 72% answered negatively.

Everything is rightly confused.

Approach, stick and get infected.

I have no business with you, unless behind the bushes.

One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.

Our conscience is clear- we don’t use it.

If you can’t buy a person, you can always sell him.

To start from zero, you need to crawl up to it.

I know how to feed a nation…but will she eat it?

Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.

An idea came to the mind, and now she’s searching for the brain.

Yesterday, I fell from a 10-meter ladder. Thank God I was on the third step.

If all the piano keys are black – look under the hood.

Only newlyweds and liars have sex every day.

Ask the horse; he has a bigger head.

Don’t ever hit a person with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

Do you need space? Join NASA!

“Real life pictures” presents the new horror story: It’s Monday.

This is a real truth: You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper, for example.

If you want girls to be running after you – become a bus driver.

Someday your car indicated how much you earned, but now it shows how much you owe.

One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be a box of beer.

I wanted to get rid of 6 pounds during the summer. I’m only 7,5 pounds away from my goal.

Read the label of ingredients of your food and then you’’ understand why it’s important to pray before you eat.

Today I have texted my friends: “Hey, I’ve lost my phone somewhere, may you give me a call?”. 12 friends called me. I think I need to start looking for more intelligent friends.

If it takes you over one hour to get ready for going out, you should reconsider either you’re as beautiful as you think you are.

Don’t worry, computer, even I go to sleep after 30 minutes of inactivity.

Pregnancy is a gift, but you have to wait for nine months to see it.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

I was lying in bed today when somebody knocked on my door. I opened the door and found my neighbor, asking for a small donation for the local swimming pool. I gave him a bottle of water.

Everybody would agree that we should put an extra day on Saturday and Sunday.

I’m not fat; I’m easier to see.

Have you noticed that in cartoons gravity does not work until you look down?

Artificial intelligence would never substitute the natural stupidity.

Sometimes it is worth lending 10$ for someone, who you don’t want to see anymore.

Getting in a new relationship may seem to be a good idea, but the same was with Titanic and look what happened there.

If you really love someone – you have to set them free. If they come back to you, it probably means nobody else liked them. Thus, set them free again.

The best thing to decrease your wrinkles is Photoshop.

God sees everything. Your neighbors – even more.

Today I saw something which reminded me of you. But never mind, I flushed it down, and it all went great after that.

No hill in Germany is as steep as Volkswagen’s share price graph after the reveal of dieselgate.

Million dollar idea – invest a billion $ into Twitter.

If your offer is still valid, then I want to refuse it once more.

The IQ test showed that she is incredibly beautiful.

If you want to help, your kid starts speaking earlier – put him in a hot bath.

If you want to earn money with the help of Facebook – go to its settings, delete your account and start working.

Success is like pregnancy – everyone congratulates you, but they don’t know how many times you had to f**k to achieve it.

If you’re lost in woods and have no compass, wait for the autumn – birds will fly to the south.

There are men, who say “I’m the special one.” And then you think: Thank God, you’re only one.

This happens for everyone – when you don’t know how to spell a word, you think of a whole new sentence to avoid using it.

I don’t think you are stupid. You just have bad luck when thinking.

Life is beautiful… from Friday to Monday.

The most important stakeholder in you life is You.

No checks (Czechs are welcome).

Marriage is the main reason for divorce.

You won’t take ‘thank you’ to bed.

Every pipette wishes to be a cluster.

A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

A warning shot into the head.

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