Exemplary BOOTY CALL… COPS
The cops must be after you since it’s illicit to look that great.
Q: What do you get with a corduroy condom?
An: A cool sort of adoration.
CORPORATE BOOTY CALL… CHAIN
I have something you can take up the chain.
CORPORATE BOOTY CALL… BOX
I’d like to think inside your container.
CORPORATE BOOTY CALL… Advantages
Need to investigate my advantage bundle?
“I don’t want any publicity – you get too many begging letters. If they’re anything like the ones I send out I don’t want to know!”
Tony Hancock (1924-1968)
‘Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, ‘Does he taste funny to you?’
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)
Oliver Hardy: ‘Didn’t you once tell me that you had an uncle?’
Stan Laurel: ‘Sure, I’ve got an uncle. Why?’
Oliver: ‘Now we’re getting somewhere. Is he living?’
Stanley: ‘No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.’
Oliver: ‘Was he building a house?’
Stanley: ‘No, they were hanging him.’
From The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930). Stan Laurel (1890-1965), Oliver Hardy (1892-1957).
‘My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.’
Ellen DeGeneres (January 26 1958-)
‘You know, I go to the theatre to be entertained… I don’t want to see plays about rape, sodomy and drug addiction… I can get all that at home.’
Peter Cook (1937-1995)
‘One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.’
Tim Vine (March 4 1967-)
“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”
Michael McIntyre (December 21 1976-)
‘A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?
Jack Dee (September 24 1961-)
‘I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.’
Jo Brand (July 23 1957-)
‘I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.’
Spike Milligan (1918-2002)
‘I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.’
George Carlin (1937-2008)
‘I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.’
Louis CK (1967-)